my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
