when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
