I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
