so that wasnt chicken after all
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
