she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
