It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
