So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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