and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
