have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
