ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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