Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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