Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
