I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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