i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize