I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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