you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
