Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
