Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
