BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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