she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
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