Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
