I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize