I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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