Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
