Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
