EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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