i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
