he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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