I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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