dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
