Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize