My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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