How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
