You really coming over, don't trick.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
