Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
