I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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