Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
