every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
