dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
porn star boner night. come get it.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
