So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
