Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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