he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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