I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
