I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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