He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
