I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We're too hungover to prance.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
