Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
