Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize