bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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