Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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