So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
