i just made my gag reflex go away.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
