Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize