I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
