if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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