just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize