There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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