Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
