Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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