i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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